Thursday, August 20, 2009

4th and Long's 2009 Top 25

1. Florida – With Saint Tebow himself at quarterback, there’s no reason not to have the Gators at #1 to start off the year.

2. Oklahoma – The return of Sam Bradford, Jermaine Gresham, and Gerald McCoy, who all would’ve been top 50 picks in April’s draft, helps anchor this OU team that should pick up right where they left off last season.

3. USC – I know, I know…I hate USC as much as the next fan, but they get ranked here by virtue of playing in the Slack 10.

4. Ole Miss – Ole Miss returns most of their key guys from last year, and after the whooping they put on us in the Cotton Bowl, I’m a believer.

5. Texas – Even though the Horns have Colt McCoy and his favorite fishing buddy Jordan Shipley on offense, the lack of a dominant running back and the graduation of Quan Cosby are going to have more of an effect than most of the orangebloods think.

6. Alabama – I know they’re breaking in a new quarterback, but Bama’s still one of the best teams in the country…even if their fans are a bunch of unrealistic lunatics.

7. Ohio State – The Big 10+1 should be fairly weak again this year, so the team lead by Captain Sweatervest shouldn’t have a problem rolling up a lot of wins.

8. Penn State – See comment above about the Big 10+1…hopefully we won’t be subjected to another 13-6 pillow fight with Ohio State this year.

9. Virginia Tech – The ACC is looking nice and weak this year as well, so the Beamer Ballers shouldn’t have too much of a tough road in conference play…watch out for the game with Bama though.

10. LSU – Maybe, just maybe, the Bayou Bengals can find a decent starting quarterback somewhere on that roster. Too bad Mike Leach isn’t the coach there, or he could just go around the corner to the 7-11 and find one. Les Miles ought to look into wearing a hat that’s actually the right size instead of one that’s about 3 sizes too small, it might save him from some of his typical bonehead coaching decisions…or not.

11. Oregon – Oregon’s favorable schedule and God-awful uniforms (duck wings, anyone?) should allow them to challenge for the Slack 10 title and possibly even run the table in conference play.

12. Georgia – Although they lost Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno to the NFL, the Bulldogs and Mark Richt (who I think is one of the top 3 or 4 coaches in college football) should be able to reload.

13. Oklahoma State – Ah yes, Okie Lite is this year’s media darling, and for good reason too with everybody they have coming back. The loss of Brandon Pettigrew will hurt more than everyone expects, and without a legitimate #2 receiver to take the heat off of Dez Bryant (hope you like being double teamed for the entire game, Dez!), I think the Cowboys will stumble. If they lose that first game to Georgia, sit back and get ready for the tailspin.

14. Georgia Tech – The weak ACC coupled with Georgia Tech’s option attack should allow the Yellow Jackets to have a great year and challenge for the ACC title.

15. Cal – Somehow, Jeff Tedford does it again…but don’t be surprised if the Bears slip a little bit with USC, Oregon, and Oregon State expected to be strong this season.

16. Boise State – We’ll know what Boise’s made of in their season opener against Oregon. They’re a slam dunk to win the WAC, so they could possibly run the table if they pull off the upset against Oregon in Week 1.

17. North Carolina – Butch Davis has been quietly building a solid team in Chapel Hill, and with what should be a fairly weak ACC this year, the Tar Heels should easily put up 8 or more wins.

18. TCU – Even though the Froggies return a lot of their key guys, I still don’t think they can keep it together for a full season and bust the BCS. I just wonder if Gary “Speed Baby” Patterson will go on another press conference rampage about how they get no respect if the Froggies do manage to beat both Virginia and Clemson on the road.

19. Florida State – The ‘Noles always have talent, but putting it together (and keeping some of that talent out of jail) has been the tricky part for Bobby “Diddy” Bowden here lately.

20. Utah – Utah lost a lot of key players from last season’s Sugar Bowl champion team, but Kyle Whittingham should keep them going strong.

21. Texas Tech – I would have us ranked higher were it not for our conference road schedule. That being said, I expect Taylor Potts to have a good yea, and if the defense steps it up from the level they played at last year (minus the OU and Ole Miss games), we could easily be in the top 15.

22. Iowa – Iowa should reap the benefits of a weak Big 10+1, although the loss of Shonn Greene will sting for a bit.

23. Nebraska – Who knows what Bo Pelini’s team will do in 2009? Sure, they should have a good defense, but with the quarterback question up in the air, that could hamper Nebraska in 2009.

24. Oregon State – With the slack 10 only having 4 decent or strong teams (USC, Oregon, Cal, Oregon State), the Beavers should rack up enough wins to stay in the top 25 for most of the season.

25. Kansas – The Jayhawks are loaded on offense, but if their porous defense doesn’t improve, they won’t win the Big 12 North. Their cross-division schedule against Big 12 South foes Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech doesn’t help either.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Jerry piece or no?

I say yes, but then again I can't stand the Cryptkeeper.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Riding the Moustache to Victory!

Recently, photos of Taylor Potts surfaced with him sporting a new look. Gone is the wooly-man lumberjack look. Say "hello" to the 70's style, funk-a-matic, porn-a-riffic moustache wearing badass! This was a very good move on Potts' part, for reasons I will detail below.

I've heard many people describe Potts' lip adornment as a "Handlebar" moustache. Wrong. As a product of the 60's and a child of the 70's (when the moustache reigned supreme), I feel it is my solemn duty to straighten you youngsters out a little. In general, let me first say that the moustache is greatness. Potts' stache' is greatness. Wilfred Brimley's stache' is uber greatness; it has a mind of its own. Chuck Norris would just be a TV assclown with a bad toupee were it not for his stache', which gives him his power. Know the stache'. Respect the stache'. Fear the stache'.

But too many people are mislabeling the stache' now sported by Potts. What Potts is wearing is not a handlebar moustache. A handlebar moustache turns at the edge of the mouth and curls up, and is usually twisted into a point, and sometimes waxed. This is a handlebar moustache (and a damned fine example of one too):

Obviously, the baddest Handlebar ever was worn by the great Rollie Fingers:

What Potts is wearing is a "Fu Manchu." A Fu Manchu turns down at the end of the mouth, and, if seen fit by the wearer, continues down. How far down is discretionary, but the farther down, the more of a bad dude is its wearer. I am eminently qualified to assess and categorize this stache' due to my existence during the 1970's, when this style of moustache was at its height of popularity. Dudes sporting the Fu Manchu were badasses. It was a way to tell off "the Man" without saying a word. A Fu Manchu didn't have to spring for dinner to get laid. A Fu Manchu said to the women "Hey, baby" and it didn't sound corny. To the guys, it just said "F**k you", and, it meant it.

Some fine examples of the 70's Fu Manchu were:

Baseball pitcher Al Hrabosky, the "Mad Hungarian" was a dude you didn't jack with.

Anybody cooler than this guy? (don't bother, your answer is irrelevent):

The awesome power of the Fu' carried over into the 80's. Lemme tell ya somethin', brotha, you didn't screw with a guy sporting one of these:

See? Hogan's stache' transcended time and easily carried over into the 80's. It's not a question of keeping it too long, it's really more an issue of not getting one early enough. Timing is everything, my friends. Case in point:

C' think anybody would have given a damn about a little bong hit if he'd been sporting this bad boy in Beijing? Forget about it! Hell, those self-righteous dorks who were pulling their endorsement contracts would have been lining up for a little toke themselves if this was the guy they'd signed with.

The power of the moustache does not just pertain to crosses all fields of human endeavor. Let's consider the arts. Who would buy this guy's psychotic sketches were it not for the badness of his stache'?:

Want some more? Ok: get a load of this crap. Let's face it, my 12 year old can paint circles around this dude's primitive scribbles:

What makes it sell? Yep, the stache': (It should be noted that Neiman's badass stache' not only helps him peddle substandard art, it also got him a gig in Rocky III, along with our friend Hogan discussed above. All such fortuitous casting decisions were cleary attributable to some cool as hell facial hair).

Certainly, the world of politics is no stranger to the power of the stache'. You want examples? Well, fair enough. This guy was a bedwetting, asthmatic, nearsighted mama's boy, and, it's rumored, maybe even a closet homo (not that's there's anything wrong with that). Yet, he grew up to be President of these fine United States:
Do we even need to ask how? No, we don't. (Collar stays were optional back then).

Of course, you recognize this little teutonic troublemaker. Can you imagine how bad it could have gotten had he let that abomination under his nose actually grow into a full-fledged Fu Manchu?

Not to worry, though. Many of you don't know this, but much like the Manhatten Project, we had a team of top scientists and barbers locked away in a bunker devising a counter weapon to Hitler's formidable semi-stache' power. This was the result:Thankfully, we managed to beat the Hun conventionally before we had to unleash the awesome power of this magnificent development upon the world.

The power of the moustache transcends man, and pervades the animal kingdon as a whole. This little dude weighs only 2.3 pounds, but he could really mess you up, and he gets all the females in the troop. One guess why:

The power of the Fu or the Handlebar in sports is inarguable. Many sports badasses, across all athletic disciplines, have invoked the power of the Fu or HB to their gain: Thurmon Munson, Catfish Hunter, Randy Johnson, Rollie Fingers, Reggie Jackson, Dennis Eckersley (See? They didn't need no stinkin' steroids, they had the stache'), John Newcomb, Dr. J, Dale Earnhart, Joe Namath, Randy White, Kenny Stabler, Ben Davidson (one of my all time favorite football badasses). I could go on and on, but you get the point. Potts was correct to rid himslf of the full-blown beard. Some cool QB's have had beards (Dan Fouts, for example). But the moustache is far preferable as a statement of Potts' "badassedness."

So, there you have it my friends. I was buying into all the preseason predictions that had Tech with an 8 win season, until I saw this:

Again, let me reemphasize, while UT has this:

... Tech has this:

Now I know, a National Championship is all but assured. I can't wait for the season to start.